COVID brought no good news for anyone--right from people walking on the road, an entrepreneur, or a healthcare worker--the virus has gripped each one of us mentally and unfortunately some physically as well. But a class of our healthcare workers--doctors who have chosen to be main firing line of COVID--and stay away from their families are having a very tough time. 

For Dr Anuja Mittal, ophthalmic surgeon, based in Gurgaon, the last few months haven’t been less than a crisis. “Right from March beginning, people had started to cancel out their surgeries. I had set up my OPD recently and so my main inflow of patients and earnings were from the surgeries I used to do, which weren’t happening. Since I felt concerned about COVID and also I knew that for the next few months, I was not going to be doing much, I volunteered for COVID teams inspite of my parents not being happy about it.

And that’s where my horror tale started from. 

My days were spent at the hospital and I moved into their residence only to avoid bringing the virus home. Every few days, when I showed any symptoms, I was quarantined. I have been quarantined thrice so far and now even the thought of it sends shivers down my spine.The first two times were okay but the third time around, I developed a paranoia towards going into quarantine again..spending alone hours for days together on my own. I am so scared of being quarantined again that I had a nervous breakdown and, this time around when I showed symptoms of COVID and needed quarantine, I went into a fit of screaming and yelling I needed medication to calm myself. It was then decided that I should go home and not stay in the hospital anymore for the sake of my sanity.

Though there was staff to help me, but spending 15 days at a stretch in a small room with only basics to support you is almost depressive. The nurses or an attendant doctor would come to check on me and then go away leaving me all alone, totally by myself, in a 12X12 room. I had only gadgets as my friends.

There were days when I didn’t slept at night...since I didn’t get tired enough...I walked around in my room but that didn’t help much. I had lost count of days and dates, time was maintained by the visiting nurse. I knew day from night only because of the sun, otherwise, I didn’t know how many hours I spent staring at the ceiling blankly.

Being a doctor I am aware of hygiene, but locked up in that room, like a criminal--I couldn’t care less. I didn’t comb my hair for days at a stretch...just did basic washing and cleaning and dental hygiene and that was that.

Although I used to talk to my friends and family on the phone, at some point, I had started talking to myself to keep myself entertained. It started with me discussing with myself my plans of what all will I do when I step out of the room--I will go and eat chocolate truffle pastry and buy that bracelet I have been wanting too..initially they were conscious efforts to keep myself occupied but where it became a habit I don’t know.

Towards the last few days of my third quarantine, I had stopped eating and crying more than usual. I used to keep asking the nurses to send me back home. 

My supervisor came to meet me and in his words, “was devastated at what he saw. Apparently, I had matted hair from no combing, was talking aimlessly, hollow eyes, and a blank, dead look on my face.” He took the call to ask a counsellor to help me. I used to take sessions on tele calls till me quarantine period was over.

Post that I felt better and in control and resumed my duties again at the hospital, inspite of my team leader suggesting that I should go on a break. But I wanted to go back to attending the patients and knew that the floodgates had been opened and the hospital needed all the help it could manage.

I had been working for 14-15 days when I showed symptoms of a fever and COVID. I was immediately asked to quarantine myself again.

Just the words, sent me into an uncontrollable fit..I screamed and cried and begged to not be locked up again. I was terrified of being alone again, the trauma was playing back in my head. 

It took my psychiatrist to give me an injection to calm me down. When I woke up i was comfortably lying in my bed...the hospital had decided that it was best I be quarantined at my home this time and had arranged for a ambulance to transport me.

I have been at home now for a week. It is weighing a bit lighter on my mind. Though there are moments when being alone scares me, I feel the walls will close on me and I will die, but my parents being around has helped me.

As per my pscyhiatrist, I have developed initial stages of claustrophobia--a price I have paid for being a COVID healthcare worker.”