COVID pandemic had made a lot of people suffer and face difficult situations, especially when  the lockdown was announced within a few hours. Sonal, a 28-year-old pregnant woman in Mumbai was left all alone when her husband couldn’t return from Delhi because of the lockdown. 

Sonal narrated her 2-month struggle without Harsh, her husband, till he came back after the state borders were opened about two weeks back. She started with, “I still wished you’d break all the boundaries, rent a car and come to me because being in Bombay all by myself, in my third trimester was a nightmare for me." 

There was so much pressure from handling this pregnancy all alone. Harsh had gone to Delhi for four days on some office assignment. But the lockdown changed everything for us within a few hours.

I heard it in the NEWS in the night about the lockdown and my heart sank. I watched in disbelief...how could this happen? And why at such a short notice? And then the truth hit me so hard that I felt dizzy and sat down...what if Harsh is not able to come? I called him up panicked; he too sounded very worried and said that he is trying to reach out to his office to help him get the first flight or the train or the bus or whatever….the pandemonium continued. I too tried making a few calls to some of my relatives who were in government postings to help Harsh come back, but got only one reply: that we can’t help it.
As the night passed, my worst fear started taking shape..that perhaps Harsh will not be able to come till the lockdown opens. I was so anxious that I didn’t realise when my BP shot up and I started feeling faint and breathless and hot. I drank some water, threw a mugful of water on my head but still the feelings of hotness didn’t go away. I was talking to Harsh throughout this craziness and he also started to get worried about my health when my voice started to break. He cancelled my call and called my neighbour from downstairs to check on me. Mrs Jittu came to my help and spoke to my doctor who prescirbed some medicines and asked me to rest.
But rest was the last thing on my mind. Next morning when the househelp didn’t turn up, the next boulder hit my head….I will have to clean, cook, and manage everything myself. As is I had a problem of BP and me being pregnant, it all looked impossible. Being in the 6th month, I tried to plead with the chairperson of our society to let my maid come by, but it would be very unsafe for me, the baby as well as the whole society and so my request was denied. 

It was painful and traumatic for me to manage the household chores, meals and the other work from home simultaneously and with no support at all. I was missing Harsh so much. If he had been around, he would have atleast massaged my feet or head after a long tiring day. But now, I didn’t have any help. Any dreams of a comfortable, pampered pregnancy were shattered.

And it wasn’t just this, the pregnancy I think was making me all the more emotionally vulnerable to everything.

“I could not sleep for nights out of fear of what-ifs. What if you don’t come back home in time? What if I lose our child? What if I fall off the bed and no one would even know that I am in pain or unconscious? What if you get infected and arrested in an attempt to cross the borders? All these thoughts kept me awake for a long long time Harsh,” recounts Sonal to Harsh.

I would cry on the phone while talking to Harsh or to my parents who are also in another city. The only solace I had was with a few neighbours but the fear of coronavirus had made them isolate themselves too. Most of the nights, I would drop off to sleep, crying, with the phone next to my ear, talking to Harsh who would just be consoling me and telling me he was trying.

I was angry at the system and the world, hurt, anxious and extremely stressed. My gynaecologist had also started to worry about my health now. 

I was facing severe backaches and body ache.I couldn’t even imagine being able to give birth all by myself. I didn’t know what to expect next. “It was your department to keep a check on my emotions and physical wellbeing and when you weren’t here, I was all dead. I think I was getting angry with you too thinking you didn’t try hard enough to reach me and this was making things even more unbearable for me. But now that you are here, I can’t hide all the pain anymore,” says Sonal. 

I couldn’t go out often to get the groceries. And in this isolation, no one came to help me. I cried every time before wearing all my protective gear, the mask, gloves etc. while going down to get milk and groceries. When I carried the heavy bags, no one even offered to help me. I used to feel anxious all the time; I alone know how I have managed to survive this whole time Harsh way away.

“Harsh, you know, I felt so lonely. I cried day in and out either with pain from the physical issues or with the overwhelming loneliness. All these troubles made me feel restless and I couldn’t even breathe properly sometimes. Instead of being happy, I was turning angry, bitter and sad...my emotions rotated between anger at the world and you, I cursed myself for being pregnant at that time, and the rest of the time I was just sad,” she says.

When I got to know that Harsh had managed to borrow a colleague’s car and was going to drive down, since the borders had opened now, I really couldn’t keep myself composed. I don’t know why but instead of being happy I kept feeling something bad might happen. I might trip on the stomach in excitement, or you might not be able to reach me. Mind is a terrible place, and what you feed it, it gives it back to you. It has made me believe such bad things with a very little ray of hope!”