I have a 8-year-old son Ishaan and a 10-year-old daughter Ishaani. Ishaan is a good boy though sometimes naughty which is fine too given his age. But otherwise he is a sensitive and a loving boy. As a mother of a son, I think I have a huge responsibility on my shoulders—I have to ensure that Ishaan does not become entitled and gender-biased. I have to ensure he respects women and does not think any lesser of them.

So, far I was succeeding in it. Ever since the lockdown, both my children had been helping me around the house. Ishaan had been pitching in equally with all the jobs—dusting, watering the plants, keeping the clothes away, and helping around the kitchen. He did not have in his mind any biases towards the jobs that they are girl’s chores or boy’s. But this was about to change.

Once the government opened the state borders, we decided to call my in-laws to stay with us. Given the uncertainty around, it was best that they stay with us rather than get burdened by the house tasks and isolation. Once here, within a few days my father-in-law started to point out that Ishaan shouldn’t be doing this or shouldn’t be doing that—dusting was a girl’s job, let mom or Ishaani do it; Ishaan why are you putting the clothes in the washing machine; men shouldn’t be doing this; you want to grow up into a strong man like your dad or become girl-y.

The mistake I did was that I let it be the first few days thinking it to be a joke, but very soon things started becoming ugly. Ishaan stopped helping his sister in her jobs and would run away to his grandparents. This started creating fights between the siblings since Ishaani felt that Ishaan was getting more priviledge. I thought that he wanted to spend more time with them and that’s why he is doing so, but I was so wrong. Somewhere in my little 8-year-old boy this idea was taking root that there are girl’s jobs and boy’s jobs and that doing a girl’s job was below him and that he can choose not to do them.

I lost my patience the day we were all sitting for lunch. I was making chapattis in the kitchen and called out to Ishaan to come and fetch his, but instead of Ishaan, a disgruntled Ishaani walked in, fuming. Ishaani told me that dadaji had asked Ishaan to keep sitting and instead asked Ishaani to go and get the roti for her brother. And when Ishaani had tried to object, she had been scolded. 

I was angry but didn’t want to disturb the meal, but I was not okay with making my daughter run around to serve others just because she is a girl. Once the lunch was over, I sent Ishaani to get everyone water and asked Ishaan to help me clear the table. All hell broke loose; my father-in-law burst out saying to me, “Why do you keep asking him to do woman-ly jobs. He is the family’s future and is not meant to do such things. If you want help, you ask your daughter or ask me instead. I will do it and do your house chores, don’t you ask the heir of my family and name for it.”

I was shocked when I heard it. He not only put me and my daughter down in front of Ishaan but also shamed the entire womanhood in front of an 8-year-old boy. For him it was okay for a 65-year-old man to slog but not an 8-year-old boy. Did he not see a problem with this entitlement that he was feeding Ishaan slowly?

I sent the children away from the spot and then told my father-in-law respectfully what I thought.  I told him

That I do understand that roles of men and women are different in life, but that in no ways puts one above the other. Both men and women, and in my case, my son and daughter were equal for me and I wanted to give them equal opportunities in life. I will not prefer one above the other just because of gender. Also, the onus to make the world a better place rests more on my shoulders as Ishaan’s mother. I need to teach him to respect women. He cannot treat women as someone who will do his bidding and serve him all the time. I need to tell him that women are individuals with an equally sharp mind and personalities and can succeed as much as any man can. I also need to tell him that there is no loss of dignity, if he has to serve his grandmother, sister, mother, wife in the future, daughter, or any other female.

And lastly, I also need to teach my son dignity of labour…that household chores is not to be looked down upon. It is his house and he should not feel ashamed in doing jobs of his own house.

As expected the tirade didn’t go down well with my father-in-law; he was very upset with my conversation and more about my thoughts.

He muttered, that with thoughts and ideas like this, I am bound to spoil both my kids and that I should be prepared for it.

On a closing note, I added that I was prepared since I stood by my beliefs.