“Ever since the lockdown was put into place and in fact even before that, somewhere around mid march, I had implemented many lifestyle changes in my routine. I had let go off my househelp including the cook and the cleaning person, had restricted my son’s movement in and out of the house, had stopped activities such as going to the salon and market etc. Initially, it all seemed manageable to me but now soon I was reaching a burnout stage. There were days when I didn’t feel like doing anything—getting out of the bed, cleaning, cooking—nothing. I was slowly losing motivation to do anything and just wanted everything to get over asap,” says a harried Simmi Beniwal, who stays in Delhi with her family. 

“Some days I didn’t clean the house, and on others I didn’t do dusting. Then there were times when I was not feeling upto making breakfast and ended up serving bread and jam; then there were times when I was too tired to cook lunch or dinner and boiled eggs only. Although my family wasn’t complaining I was feeling guilty, and incompetent and felt like a loser that I couldn't even manage to take care of my family.

I get groceries only once a week and if I run out of something for example, tomatoes, I don’t go out to buy them since I am scared of stepping out of my house and then compromise on the food. Most of the time to keep my son out of my way when I am doing household chores, I make him sit in front of the TV and so he ends up watching TV for hours together. But I had started to get worried how long can I continue living randomly like this. My house has started to look dirty, cooking throughout the day, not having any time for my personal grooming..it has all started taking a toll on my health and mind.  I have no time or energy left for any fun things...cooking something special for my family, spending time with my son, sitting down peacefully with my husband...no nothing...no time or energy. 

My feelings were so overwhelming that I wanted to run away from all this. I am planning to call back my househelps, start stepping out of the house more frequently for groceries etc. but then 

I am scared of the virus and what will people think--that I am spreading the virus through maids in my society. People will think of me as irresponsible and useless for depending so much on househelp

A couple of days ago, during a video call, with my school friends, people were discussing about the various art projects they had done during lockdown, rasgullas they had made at home, or biryani they had made and the feelings of worthless just deepened in me.

But out of all this there was a friend who sounded as my saviour. She said that there is no perfect way for us to manage and live in lockdown and that we have all managed as per our circumstances. She further added that we need to conserve our energies and patience because COVID is here to stay for a long time; it is not going away anytime soon and that we need to prepare for the long haul.

I felt as if the clouds had cleared from my mind. I understood that

1. I do not have to make others standards of  living my own. I need to set  my own parameters as per my convenience.
2. I do not need to feel guilty. I am doing enough and if I miss out something, it is fine.
3. I need to prepare for a long time and do so with my own understanding and not under peer pressure.
4. If I can’t manage without a househelp, I can and should call back my old part-timers, albeit with precautions of using masks, washing hands etc.
5. If for me an indulgent  hair cut at a salon will bring peace, and if I am comfortable in going to a salon, I can, following proper precautions.
6. And most importantly I learnt that ...people will JUDGE no matter and so I shouldn’t bother about them. Those who love and support me will not judge me for my decisions but will understand me. Those who JUDGE me, are possibly not  my friends.
7. I learnt to live without bothering about their judgement

Also, living in panic, making decisions basis others opinions, or whatsapp forwards, judging  others for ordering in food/going to the market is not right, and that I need to start accepting and living  the new normal...but the keyword here being NORMAL.