A letter from Dr Gayatri Shukla, a doctor in Delhi, working in the COVID ward for the past 3 months. 

Dear Ashok,

I am sorry for being away. I know I’ve been a mess as a wife lately. But being a doctor has consumed me on a whole different level. 

NOWADAYS IT IS NOT JUST ABOUT SAVING LIVES BUT ABOUT CHOOSING WHOM TO SAVE AND WHOM TO NOT GIVE TREATMENT TO AT THE RISK OF HIS/HER LIFE. AND THIS IS THE WORST PART OF MY JOB. 

I know we talked during dinner-time. Thank you for taking care of yourself in my absence but I don’t know how to talk to you...my brain does not move in a cohesive  manner anymore; it is full of just hospital and patients and the thoughts of the virus, each popping up as and when it wants to. There are so many things I wanted to tell you, every single day for all these months, but I’ve kept quiet thinking that why should I worry you any further. 

Ashok, I am TIRED. I feel so helpless that no matter what we do, no matter how many lives we save there is always a new wave of patients that keep coming in every single day--it is like a huge flood that is drowning me. It is nothing less than a war, you know. I am exhausted of looking at helpless patients, looking right into my eyes with a hope that--Doctor, will you please save me? Imagine letting someone decide--someone you can’t even fully see, who is covered up in white and masks-- whether you live or not, that is how helpless and scared the patients are. 

I WANT TO FORGET ALL THIS PAIN, MISERY, EXHAUSTION, WEARINESS--I WANT MY LIFE BACK,  I want to watch our favourite movie together, laugh out loud, look after your pained joints and take care of our house. I don’t remember when was the last time I laughed out freely. I WANT to get out of here. But I do not see relief anytime soon. The conditions are so bad that we are running out of ventilators and beds too. A few of my friends’ hospitals have started to bunk two patients on the same bed. I cannot even imagine it. The condition is just getting worse by the day. 

As doctors, everyone thinks we are the warriors and heroes of this battle, but Ashok I literally have no control over anything. I DON’T have answers to this problem, I don’t have a solution and everything is just uncertain.

I want to cry for the hundreds of patients we couldn’t save, the families that couldn’t even see their loved ones even for the last time, but I don’t find the time to even grieve over incidents that actually have shaken me. 

My friends are getting infected; they are switching sides as patients and I CANNOT guarantee if I would be able to save them or myself if I get infected. What if I do get infected and no one can save me? What if I am not able to see you before dying for one last time just like many of the patients here who breathed their last all alone, in the ICU ward of a hospital? What if I have to bod you farewell over a call as well? This is so difficult for me, there is so much within me that is begging to come out but I HAVE to be strong because I have a job to do for my country and its people and a battle to fight. 

I DON’T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I SLEPT FOR 15-MINUTES WITHOUT BEING WOKEN UP BY A NIGHTMARE OR AN EMERGENCY CALL. 

These thoughts and mental stress are eating me from inside, Ashok… I NEED someone to tell me things will be okay. I NEED to be loved and supported not just as ‘respect’ but emotionally and physically too. I cannot stand my ground for long Ashok, please forgive me if I end up in someplace we both wouldn’t want me to be in. 

Just know that I LOVE YOU. 

And please, TAKE CARE of yourself. I wouldn’t want you to be someone I have to treat someday. Please do me a favour and look after your health. 

Hope to see you soon, Peacefully. Until then,
Yours lovingly, 
Gau. 

(Pic credit: freepik)