“My son got married two years back. I was happy for him and liked my daughter-in-law quite a lot, but obviously her habits were different from my family’s. She liked to do things in a certain way and sometimes it does annoy me. But then I try and interfere the least and accept the fact as much as possible that since she is from a different background and family, we need to accept a few things about her and she too.

But since the past two years there has been some differences and arguments between my son and his wife. The issues were all too familiar--she wants to work, he wants her to start a family; he feels she doesn’t do enough for us, she feels she is doing her best; she feels she doesn’t have a say in the family and he tries to tell her that his family is this ways only.

In all this, I sat him down one day and told him a few things

1. He need not repeat the relationship pattern that he has seen between me and his dad, with his wife: We were a different generation with different attitudes and expectations from life and he needs to understand that. She is not from my generation who will bow her head in front of her husband’s wishes and so it is not fair of him to expect her to do so.
2. There are more perceived differences than real: While sometimes, I may feel she has been cold to me, maybe she is just a quiet person. We should not work on perceived notions about a person’s attitude unless and until we have concrete episodes to fall back on. Then also we must understand that she is a person who will have her goods and bads and accept her.
3. He should not force her to start a family: A baby is 80% a woman’s prerogative--both physically and emotionally, and so to push her is not fair. We can try and explain to her our point of view, get counselling from gynaecologist but not pressurize her in anyway. Let it happen when both of you are ready and then it will truly be a joy.
4. It is good that my son wants her to respect us, but repressing her voice and opinion is not the way. He has bought a person in this family who will bring with her her opinions and there is no harm in letting her voice them and discuss those. Dominating her will make her unhappy and spread the unhappiness in the family.
5. She is someone else’s daughter send to our house and we need to respect that emotion. She is not ours for being abused, but ours to be included as much as possible as a family member. Let’s try and do that.

 (Pic credit: freepik)