Mental health experts say that with each passing day of the pandemic, healthcare workers are becoming more prone to post-traumatic stress disorder--a disorder characterised by failure to recover after experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event. One might think how it is possible given the amount of applause and honour the workers receive from the windows, and thank-you notes, smiling faces and greeting that they are showered with at the hospitals? 

The main reason behind PTSD is that the doctors, nurses and emergency responders on the front lines of COVID pandemic are not able to control the battle they are fighting and it is crushing their sense of adequacy and filling them with anxiety. 

Mithila (name changed on request), a nurse from Chennai expressed her feelings and experiences in one of the sessions, “My colleagues are used to the drill of accepting failure and moving on. But, I’m not the kind of nurse who can act like everything is fine. I cannot just say ‘Am fine’ and that something sad didn’t just happen. 

The patients have been coming in very sick and their health is deteriorating so fast. Sudhir Uncle, a 76-year-old patient who reminded me of my grandfather quit breathing last night. I had tried my best, the doctors too, but it was difficult to bring him back. He knew it and pleaded with me to put a few fresh flowers in the room. I was carrying a lot inside me. Wearing my protective gear, I tried to lull him to sleep with the dim lights and his favourite song. By 11.45 pm he had gone. I was very sad when I came home that night. 

This incident particularly made me feel like I wasn’t doing a good job. Earlier, whenever we would have rough shifts, our medical teams would just hug it out and acknowledge the loss together, or we would indulge in backslaps to appreciate all the efforts that we took to save a person and share a meal or coffee together. But now, the safety structure for us and the necessity of isolation has shut all that down. It is like, all of us are on our own when it comes to coping up with our emotions and sadness. 

I understand physicians are often self-reliant and they don’t easily ask for help. But, I genuinely felt like I have been carrying a huge load internally and it is giving rise to feelings of being letdown, alone and forsaken. I have even lost the motivation to do my job anymore. It is difficult to look at the patients because I know I won’t be able to treat them with a guarantee of recovery. Also, I have started to feel that the more patients I deal with and live through with their deteriorating health or death, the more I end up hurt and angry. I just want this pandemic to get over and I hope that my brain and heart stops working for some time.”