It is an accepted fact that coronavirus has increased the stress levels in every human being. This increased stress is leading to other mental health crisis such as increase in domestic violence, depression, suicides and anger issues. Also, initially with the sudden complete lockdown, withdrawal symptom cases as a result of substance scarcity was a problem mental health experts were concerned about. But with the government order of opening of the liquor vendors, mental health issues have not eased up; in fact new reporting and cases show that more and more people are choosing this old friend of addiction as an escape from stress, anxiety and depression. Here is a case study where Ramanuj (name changed as per request) went into an alcohol relapse due to his job loss and rejections. 

“I used to drink a lot during my engineering days. When I’d managed to graduate, I was forced to quit drinking because it was an addiction that messed up my rather normal life. It took me two long years to completely give up alcohol. I was sober for four years of my life, but coronavirus had made things difficult for me--more than I could ever imagine. 

I am a 31-year-old, unmarried man. I stay in Kochi, away from my home in Chennai. When the lockdown was first announced I thought it would be fun because even though I’d be working from home, I was finally getting a vacation from my workplace. Two weeks into the lockdown we were sent an email saying that our company was undergoing some economical crisis and many people might be asked to leave or furloughed. I spent an entire week in the anxiety and worry of whether I’d be the one but nothing happened. I was constantly in touch with everyone and when I least expected, I received the email saying - We regret to inform you……

It was a blow to me. I’d worked at this company for the past six years and they took me out of the system without a single consideration. I was not just shocked but broken to the core. I spent two days trying to contact my bosses to plead my case but all they said was they couldn’t provide me with anything more than a month’s salary, a recommendation and an experience letter. I was hoping to get a good promotion in the next couple of years if COVID hadn't created havoc, I’d worked so much for it but now I had to start the struggle all over again at the age of 31 when my mother was eager to get me married. 

I couldn’t bear telling the truth to amma; she would suffer a lot. I didn’t know what to do. I applied for any random job I came across. I wanted to get something but everywhere they replied to my mail saying I was rejected or they didn’t want to hire anyone. I had a few savings but not enough to make a living for a long time. What was I going to do??

I was lost and my friends were either busy working from home or were in the same boat as me. I couldn’t get anyone’s support; I was at the end of the road with a huge sign of DEAD END in front of me. That was when the news of liquor shops reopening started flashing everywhere. One evening, while going through my whatsapp there was some crude joke on how liquor is the best friend..it reminded me of how I felt empowered and on top of the world every time I got drunk during college days--if there was an exam, a viva voce, a good night’s drinking spree was the answer to it. I wanted to relive that feeling--just once again--once again I wanted to feel in control, super confident, and lose myself in the bubble of happiness. In an attempt to escape from the stress I thought I could just get one bottle of whiskey to make myself feel better for a while. I wanted to get over those feelings of anxiety, depression, stress and isolation. 

That first drink made me openly curse my bosses, my company, my life and God. I shared some cuss words on a friend’s whatsapp group about my bosses. Wow!!! That was good...I felt that I didn’t need the bosses to make me feel better...I am here to take care of myself. I didn’t want to stop then; I knew if I would stop, things would just go back to becoming dreadful. Within a span of just one week, I had gone back to my messy life of seven years ago. I started stocking up every kind of alcohol, there was no sense of routine to my life, I wasn’t eating because that meant I’d have buy groceries and putting in efforts for cooking. My life was no more disciplined, my health was all mess. I knew where I was going because I’d experienced similar reactions years ago.

The breaking point came the day when I blasted at my revered amma just because she had enquired after my health. Probably I had even abused her in my stupor, I can’t say for sure. What I remember though before I blacked out, was amma crying on the phone, saying “Please babu stop; stop babu stop”. And then everything blacked out. The next when I woke, I was in bed, and my maternal cousin was sitting next to me, wearing a mask and gloves.

Hospitals weren’t taking any non-COVID cases, and my cousin went through a lot of trouble to bring me back to my senses. I had puked all over myself and couldn’t stand on my feet. As per my cousin, my eyes were hollow, and blank and I was stuttering and incomprehensible...there was some blood also on my trousers front and that had scared  my cousin and he had decided to admit me in a hospital. Finally, one hospital checked me in after 1.5 hours of pleading and requesting. Initial diagnosis showed that overdoing alcohol without food intake had caused inflammation in my intestines and ulcers and I was severely anemic.

I had to stay in the hospital for a few days till the inflammation was under control. Then without much ado, I went back to my hometown to amma

...shamefaced….broke...penniless...absolutely...at 31 years of age, behaving like an uncontrollable kid who doesn’t know better. Neighbours whispered, relatives called up..but thankfully because of COVID no one dropped in and amma and I were saved some embarrassment.

I am still trying to figure out in my head what did I do and why, but it isn’t helping. And my heart doesn’t offer any solace, justification or a place to hide. My cousin put me in touch with a friend who is a counsellor...long sessions on the phone and through internet helped me find some semblance of normalcy and some relief from overpowering guilt and shame.

I honestly think stress was the biggest trigger for my relapse, I should’ve addressed it then and there through therapy but I was late and had my health and pride and wallet suffered because of it. I am sure many people might want to hide in the dark world of drugs and alcohol to escape the misery of COVID but I want to appeal to them to try and focus on their trigger points and fight them and let your loved ones know how you are feeling because they’d be able to help you, and if nothing works, make sure you get professional help soon.

My amma’s prompt action is requesting my cousin to visit me saved me; but then all of us may not have an amma.”