"My husband belongs to a very patriarchal mindset where, as per him and his family, women should not work outside home, should not speak up in matters of finances, should get married early in life, should restrict their decision-making to kitchen and so on. Ours was a love marriage; in our initial days of courtship, I could never have guessed the mess I was getting myself into since he came from a premier MBA college of India and seemed well educated, soft and polite. Ours has been a rocky marriage, due to obvious reasons, but still both of us continued making things work. But this pandemic opened a whole new ugly side of our relationship and has worsened things for me to the extent of being traumatic.
He has been working from home for the past two months. We had a 24 hours househelp who went to her parents home for EID. The day after she left, since, I am also working from home, I woke up early and managed to finish 75% household chores single-handedly. When he sauntered in from his sleep, after our morning tea, I asked him to take charge of the dusting so that I could take a bath, prepare breakfast and then get down to doing my office work. He refused outright...no apologies...no explanations...just a disdainful, "No, I will not do it." It took me a few seconds to grasp the unfairness of it all...I had been up for the past two hours, working non-stop, leaving only one chore for him...and all I get to hear is 'No' from him.
Like a gullible fool, I gave him the benefit of doubt thinking that maybe he does not like dusting so it's okay we all have our preferences. So, instead I asked him to help me with breakfast then so we could get things done sooner. I was polite, trying to talk in a light-hearted manner..but what came at me shook me to the depths of my belief. He burst out angrily at me saying that how dare I talk to him like that, how did I even assume he will do these woman-ly jobs, that I was crossing my limits, that I was indecent and mannerless, that I need to be set straight....I picked up the empty tea cups and walked back to the kitchen, shivering to the core.
I too am an MBA--educated female who comes from a decent family and not used to such language or behaviour. Worse, what my mind was unable to grasp was--why is this man looking down upon chores that are of his own house? Why does he think it is not his job and only mine? Why does he feel threatened if I have asked him to do something like this? Does he feel he will be lesser of a man if he dusts a table to two? It is after all his house to maintain as much as mine.
The bickering, complaining and nit-picking continued through the day--sometimes the rotis were dry, sometimes the curry was cold--I soon realised that our 24 househelp was actually the buffer between us...because of her I never realised the true limits of patriarchy of my husband...if the rotis were hard, I used to ask her to bring another one for him...but now i realise that the issue is not the 'rotis'; it is more deep seated.
It is entitlement; it is male chauvinism; it is the habit of getting everything his way; it is being pampered and taken care of all the time; it is not respecting the woman--mother, maid, wife--who is putting in the effort to give you a roti in the sizzling temperature of 50C.
Dear husband, I wish to tell you that you may be the prince of your parents home, but in our home, you are my partner--at par. None of us are better or lesser than the other. Your mom may have served you the softest rotis, but dear husband, I am your wife and I will not tolerate entitlement or harassment over minor issues. Sometimes the rotis will be hard, sometimes they will be perfect. I will not try each roti before serving it to you; dear husband if you feel that dusting is below your dignity as a man and a job suited for a woman know that women are suited for each and every job on this planet be it dusting or going to the space in the astronaut suit.
DEAR HUSBAND, I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU AND YOUR BREED.