“I wanted to run and hide somewhere where all this news and scare of COVID doesn’t reach me. I felt like withdrawing from this day-by-day unbearable society, this whole world suffering in the pandemic and making me suffer even more at the age of 79.  Most of my friends and neighbours have isolated themselves because of coronavirus. Loneliness had become the highlight of my life for the past two months and trust me, it is not at all easy to live at my age under these circumstances. 

My friends and other family members try to support me to get through it. My son and daughter-in-law fuss around me but due to the coronavirus lockdown, it is difficult to meet anyone outside. I appreciate my childrens’ efforts but I wanted someone of my age to talk to, laugh and feel light. For my age working on household duties is very tough, though I tried and helped my wife and daughter-in-law with chopping vegetables and folding clothes. But my mind was not able to accept this changed circumstance peacefully.

And on top of it, there was so many negative news flashing on the channels every time I switched on the TV or even on my phone. I felt afraid that I can die if anyone of my own family member carried COVID inside. My grandchildren and son go for cycling every night on the colony road; I knew they took all precautions, but I branded them like culprits for being the cause the virus will come home. I believed they can—wasn’t that what everyone was saying? Why do they not listen? Why are they putting my health in jeopardy?

I did not like the resentment I was developing for them. I think it was partly petty jealousy—they can step out and I can’t. And this made me feel even smaller and worse about myself.

Last week, after washing his hands and changing his night suit, my 8-year-old grandson came to wish me goodnight. I blasted him telling him to keep distance from me for being careless, going outdoors (what if they were wearing masks and did not touch any surface or come in contact with anyone..I felt betrayed and cheated) with his dad and being the reason for my death. The poor child got so scared, he ran out of my room. Why had I become this restless, grudging, complaining, anxious old man?

It was then that my son and I had a long chat...I broke down crying in front of  him and told him how miserable, vindictive and helpless I felt for being isolated in the house for something that I did not even do.

My son’s a sensible man...he did not try to look down, or be flippant about my worries, or try and coach me; instead he asked if I would feel comfortable talking to a counsellor who is trained to help me.

 In the beginning, I was so sure nothing was to come out of it. But I realise now, after a week with three sessions that talking about the problems is helpful. For two months I was blaming everyone else for the way I was feeling but talking out loud about my concerns with the therapist made me realise that I wasn’t letting anyone else help me. If I wasn’t feeling good, I should’ve talked about it with someone. But instead, I kept on thinking about the problem rather than finding a solution for it.

 My therapist asked me to talk to my people often. Talk to my family on non-COVID issues, gossip, share stories to lighten my heart. She also advised me to answer the calls of relatives and friends whenever they did or call them whenever I felt like. I was ignoring their calls because I didn’t want them to know how lonely I was feeling. But for one week I’ve been talking to most of my friends and family members through video calls and they seem connected and I know that they care for me too. 

 As I said, the NEWS was an addition to the feelings of helplessness for me. And my therapist pointed the same thing out. Fake news and too much negative news consumption was taking a toll on my state of mind. I couldn’t think of anything positive because everywhere around I only focussed on deaths, increasing cases and misery. It’s not that I don’t watch the NEWS now, of course, it is important as I need to keep updated but I have set limited time for NEWS intake every day. This helps me to not keep thinking about it the whole day and do something productive at other times. 

I used to like solving puzzles and sudoku or the crosswords in the newspapers. But with the lockdown, the print media has been stagnant too. So my therapist also suggested me a few online games that focused on quizzes, crosswords and the best part was that I can also choose from the category of themes I want to play. Doing things that I like has made me feel better than I was feeling a week back. When my grandson has time, we play a game of ludo and scrabble. His spellings make me laugh...and it immediately lightens me up.

I’ve also started painting, though my hand isn’t stable, the feeling of putting colour on the paper has taken me back to the days I loved painting. 

 Following these few points along with eating healthy, sleeping often and exercising a little in the morning has helped me a whole lot. I cannot even imagine I was thinking of ending my life a few weeks back and now I am adjusting with the same life and that too on my own terms now. I would like to thank my therapist and if anyone of you if going through the same phase I was in for the past 2 months, I hope that this blog will help you relate and work on a few solutions for yourself too.