Manoj, I really wish you were here with me today. I know you’d handle this situation better than me. What do I do with all these troubles? How can I find the right way out? - I wrote in my diary yesterday to my dead husband.
My husband died in an accident 3 years ago. My daughter, my lifeline was just 5-years-old--I’ve slaughtered myself to give her a good life and not let her feel any less for not having her dad with her. Good school, sports, activities, house, everything--I made her believe that things can be fine even if her papa was not with us because we were together. Of course, she was very small to understand all this back then but today she is 7-years-old her, locked up in the house, cannot call friends at home or even meet them on her special day. I know Manoj would’ve handled this situation better, he would’ve created magic with his presence and made Shriya’s lockdown birthday even better.
But, that’s not just it. Yesterday I received an official mail from my office saying that they might have to cut the slack by letting people off. It was just an intimation mail as they are running a trial and testing the finances for this month and would make a decision by the 1st of next month. I have to work hard at my job because if I don’t, they might think it okay to take me out of it. My job--my livelihood, my respect--is at stake.
Shriya is at home the whole time, she can't go to daycare and her school too is still closed and I don’t even know if I will be able to balance my duties as a mother and a working woman or will just end up being ‘Typical Single Mother’ and a topic for my relatives’ meal-time talks.
Every time I try to concentrate on my work, depressive, anxious thoughts take over my mind. The worry about the increasing spread of the infection stresses me out even more. Either someone from the family or my friends or the colony is getting infected every single day. And when I push these stressful thoughts away and try to focus on work, Shriya starts troubling and asks me to play with her or cook her something special or talk to her.
AS A SINGLE PARENT, THERE ARE TOO MANY THINGS I HAVE TO STRUGGLE WITH, DEAL WITH AND MANAGE ON A DAILY BASIS, BUT ALL THIS COVID SCARE HAS JUST MADE THINGS EVEN WORSE.
I know as a mother in the current situation, my job and the money as well as my child's well-being, all are of the highest importance to me, but managing them simultaneously is stressing me out so much. Am I a bad mother? Am I a bad working professional? Or is this situation just turning everything good to worse in my life? Oh God, I wish Manoj was here, why did you have to take him away from us?
Veena, 29-year-old, software engineer.