“I am the reason mummy, who is diabetic, is in the hospital. I don’t even deserve to be standing here right now,” said Nikhil while tears of guilt rolled down his cheek. 

Many COVID survivors are now facing the guilt--commonly referred to as survival guilt--of unknowingly spreading the virus, especially passing it on to their loved one. Nikhil mentioned how he had come home one day during the 1st week of March with a sore throat, mild fever, cough, chills and body ache. 

He said, “I work the night shifts at an International IT company. And the un-timely hours of sleep and meals sometimes make me sick so I thought it was a normal flu. As my symptoms came and went after a 3-day usual rest I felt well enough to go for a walk and then grocery shopping for mummy. Everything was almost normal for me but when even after a span of two weeks rest, I did not feel any better, I got concerned. News of COVID19 spread in India had started spreading and fearing the worst, I got myself tested and the report came out positive. 

I was scared and very worried. What would happen to me now? What if my lungs collapse? What if I die?

But my worries seemed far from over.

Within a few days even after maintaining distance from mummy, she showed signs of flu herself. She’d lost her appetite with fever and dry cough. She hadn’t been eating well either for the past four days and now everything started to get clear to me. When it got difficult for her to breathe, I took her to the hospital and the staff admitted her immediately. While we were on our way to the hospital she said - “I love you beta, I want you to know that I always have just in case I don’t see you again.” I lost my mind and tried to calm her down; I assured her that she was going to be alright and that I’d bring her back home but all in vain. Because of her diabetes and age, she got pneumonia from COVID and the surging sugar levels sent her brain into a shock. She was put on ventilator but after a few days, doctors told us that there is nothing more that could be done to save her and that we should say our farewells to her.

As I stood near the motionless body of my mother, her eyes taped down to not let them fly open, I knew that I had killed my mother. I wondered why didn’t I die instead. I felt ashamed of still being alive and this gentle lady dying because of me. My mind was not capable of any more thoughts but guilt and wishing that she would come back.

I locked myself in the house, I did not have the energy to answer anyone’s calls and queries. Minute by minute I was dying inside me with the guilt of spreading the virus to my mother because of which she died.

I should’ve got myself checked, I should’ve isolated myself, I should’ve been more careful. My cousins who were close to me tried to reassure me that it wasn’t my fault, that I had no idea about being infected, that I needed to get over it. But it is an odd feeling and I am not at peace.

It is difficult for me to get any rest while I am still trying to deal with the guilt. Everyone is saying that I am one of the early survivors of the virus, but is it even right? I couldn’t keep my mother safe, I am the reason she is dead and I don’t even know how many more people are suffering from the virus because of me and I almost feel like I don't really even deserve to stand here. I  keep having these flashbacks of how things happened and why I wasn’t quick, alert and careful. I have not slept a full night’s sleep for the past two months, since my mother passed away.

I was pushed by my friends into therapy with a counsellor online. I know I need to get over this guilt but it is not an easy task. Everything just haunts me and I am not able to distract myself or keep a positive mind either. I wish I would’ve died instead of my mother…