“If we doctors die because we weren't protected, who will treat the patients then?” said Dr Monisha Dutta from Kolkata, a 29-year-old married woman and a mother of a 10-year-old boy. She was assigned to one of the private hospitals in Kolkata and has worked rigorously for 3 months in the COVID isolation ward.

Dr Monisha had resigned from her post as an active physician but received an official email saying she had a week’s time to rejoin or might have to face the FIR and case hearings soon. She expressed her concerns as she was worried how and what should be done, “Never in my tenure as a doctor have I seen such unpreparedness and non-supportive authorities. We're told we're soldiers in this war against COVID19 pandemic. And yes, we agreed to fight too. But then, you don't send your soldiers to war without guns and expect them to do their job, right?

I and many of my colleagues and nurses have been wearing old masks and PPE suits even when we shouldn’t be repeating them after prolonged hours of work we do with the infected patients. I was in a position I could never have imagined I'd be in four months ago. Not even in my wildest dreams did I think that we would be forced to use normal cotton-made masks or bandanas in the critical wards with patients showing high levels of infections. 

Just imagine, walking out of your door every day, under extreme stress and pressure, forced to make decisions every day while going to work, whether you should fulfil your professional obligation to care for patients or sacrifice your and your family’s personal safety because you don't have adequate resources at work. Over these months, I ‘ve seen my fellow doctors and nurses lie on the very bed the patients died, and we saw many of them die in front of us while we were trying to treat and save them from the virus. 

When I started to experience difficulty in normal breathing. I knew it was something I could no longer handle and that it was time to take the rest. I had not signed up to be a sacrificial lamb and follow my colleagues on the patient beds with the extreme workload, stress, anxiety and fear. I knew I had to walk away from my job and put my family first as they are the reason how I have been able to get through all these painful months. 

I had not resigned because I was tired of treating the patients, NO, absolutely not. I do feel tremendous guilt for resigning. Being a doctor is not just a job, it is my life and walking away from it was agonising. It's not like I didn't want to be there, but if I don’t feel better if I die who would treat the patients later? I needed to recover myself, a small break so I can resume with a renewed spirit, but my hospital authorities have never understood the troubles I’ve been through and have now asked me to present myself within a week back at work. I might just die instead, I don’t know how to deal with this situation anymore.”