“It is difficult, staying away from the family especially in the isolated surroundings, but I had no choice but to move out and live separately in a nuclear set-up,” justified Misha Dholakia, a housewife from Delhi while talking about her stress during one of the sessions. Misha had lived with her in-laws in a joint family for almost four years. But after the marriage of her brother-in-law and the coming in of the new bride in the home, Misha’s family life went downhill. According to her, there were many reasons why her in-laws favoured the other ‘bahu’ in their house and this ultimately forced her to break her silence and leave the house with her husband.
She narrated further, “Me and my husband had a love marriage while Siddha and my elder brother-in-law were hooked through an arranged marriage set-up. She is an engineer by profession and I work as a freelance fashion designer, and hence, mostly just assumed to be a housewife by others in our house. Just because Siddha was my mother-in-law’s choice and she also earns well; I felt everyone favoured her and this hurt me.
Initially, I thought it was alright for others to help her with her tiffin and routine because I am anyway usually at home. But at the start of this year, things started to turn absolutely bitter towards me and I couldn’t manage it anymore.
I had received my first ever big-budget wedding attire order and when I announced the news no one showed any excitement whatsoever apart from Mehul, my husband. Moreover, even when I had to go for meetings with the client, I was expected to first finish my house chores, clean the whole house, prepare the meals, bring the kids back home and then look after my work. When Siddha had to run errands at work and was going to be late, my mother-in-law didn’t even bother checking with me for my availability and just ordered me to prepare the dinner and do her tasks as well. I complied, even though I did not like it, but thinking that since I was elder and it would look petty on my part, said nothing and rescheduled my meetings and completed everything as told.
The next day too my father-in-law asked me to stay at home and look after some of his friends who were coming over. I mentioned my meeting and he responded in a sarcastic tone saying - what’s the big deal? You anyway don’t earn that much, at least by not going out you’ll save some of my son’s hard-earned money on petrol and travel. This statement hit me so hard and all the unjust behaviours of the other family members started flashing right in front of my eyes. I realised how everyone, except Mehul, thought of me as a money-monger, free rider and a good-for-nothing in the house. They considered me as someone who was there to look after their needs but not someone they preferred. By choosing to marry me voluntarily, Mehul had burdened them with me and since I had given up work, I had no worth in their eyes..
When I went for the meeting, I kept on thinking about how I was considered of low status in my own house. I couldn’t think straight and the whole time in the meeting I kept making errors and showed under confidence because of which I lost the contract. I was not just heart-broken but I had no idea what else to do. I did not have the courage to face anyone at home, not after what my father-in-law had said to me. Going back would reinforce me as a failure and a loser.
I called Mehul and started crying on the phone. I suddenly lost all my confidence, my self-worth. I didn’t even want to step inside the house. I said to Mehul that I’ll go to my parent’s rather than get humiliated by people who as is did not believe in me.
That is when Mehul decided it was time for us to move out of the house. Obviously there was an uproar about it. I was cursed and abused as someone who was snatching their son away from them. I was called selfish and cursed to a life of loneliness. As per them I was a witch who had ruined the entire family. They regretted letting Mehul marry me. Their words only strengthened my and Mehul’s resolve further.
What stunned me was that in one swift move they had all forgotten about my love and care for them; they justified their ill treatment of me by counting my shortcomings; they said that I deserved this treatment since I was a loser, but what about four years of emotional investment that I had made into this family? All forgotten within a few seconds.
It has been five months since we are staying away and I don’t regret the decision at all. Yes, I do feel guilty about separating Mehul from his family but I am also glad that he stood by me and realised the unfairness of the situation. With the lockdown and social distancing, I think I’ve grown more worried about interacting with new clients or meeting people even online, because I always keep thinking what they might be thinking about me. I’ve let a group of my own people make fun and bully me for four long years and I don’t trust others anymore. I haven’t told Mehul about this yet, I don’t want him to worry about me anymore but what if everyone thinks of me as lowly and unworthy? It is so difficult to live like this… I doubt my own self, how can I ever cope with this again??”