“Dear Papa, I respect you for your age, your stature in life, and the experiences you may have gathered in life—all things that make you a wise person, but I do not respect your interference in my life.

I appreciate any advice you give me and will follow it too if it makes sense to me, but if it does not please don’t be offended by my refusal to follow it. At the end of the day I want to follow my heart, gather  my own experiences so that towards the fag end of my life I can say to myself, that I lived my life the way I wanted to. I have only this one life to live.”

This is a whatsapp message Sanya sent her father-in-law after a showdown in the family.

Sanya and her husband Rajiv stay in Delhi, while her in-laws are settled in Chandigarh. Rajiv’s father belongs to a hardcore patriarchal family and has forever taken decisions for his family and only son, Rajiv. He father runs a poultry farm situated at the outskirts of the city and so is not financially or physically dependent on his son. But ever since her marriage, Sanya always felt uneasy and non-acceptance from his side. While her mother-in-law is a loving woman and never gave Sanya grief, her father-in-law interfered in everything right from the clothes she should wear for a family gathering, her decision to work, when and for how long she should go to her parents house etc.

“But since Rajiv and I stayed in Delhi, this controlling was limited till the day Rajiv decided to move to Chandigarh and help his father out in his poultry farm business. What shocked me was that the decision was only communicated to me and not discussed...Rajiv told me that in the next three months they will shift back to Chandigarh and that I should put in my papers and start wrapping up the house..and that all has been discussed and settled with his PAPA. “PAPA,” I asked shocked, “All has been discussed and settled with papa and not with me...the person who has to make this move has not been even taken into discussion.”

I asked Rajiv if he has planned about my career and what will I do if we move base, maybe I can also help in the farm, but he was non-committal...about  my career, how will we stay there, privacy issues..everything. Hurt, I called up my father-in-law to ask him to talk to Rajiv and request him to plan the move in a better way; I wanted him to get a job first in Chandigarh since we did not have much savings and I wasn’t sure about how the earnings from the farm will support all of us, and I also wanted to find myself a job before making the move. “Who are you to take any decisions; it has been settled between me and Rajiv and so it will be done. Staying in cities like Delhi you may think you have a voice but that is not how  it happens in our families,” he shot back at me.

At that moment, I realised what I was fighting against...not a person but a mindset..a mindset that reeked of male chauvinism; not thinking women to be fit to take any decisions; relegating women and their status to only a cook, caretaker, a companion in bed, and a nanny to bring up the children.”

Hurt and enraged, Sanya was very worried about what she was hearing and going through. She enlisted the help of her friend, a counsellor, who pointed out that more than the issue of father-in-law interfering the situation reflected a weak marriage foundation—the fact that Rajiv did not include her in his decision, shows something amiss with the couple’s mutual understanding. After much persuasion, Sanya convinced Rajiv to go for counselling and with the help of friends and her family, the decision to move immediately to Chandigarh was deferred.