"I should've stopped you. It is my fault that you have reached a stage where you need medication to sleep and deal with your nightmares. I am sorry son, please forgive me", cried John Joseph, the father of Josh Joseph, a nurse, currently working in the COVID ward in a hospital in Bandra. John couldn't stop but blame himself for his son's illness and the guilt was making everything unbearable for him.

John is a 67-year-old widower. Josh was a nurse but was working with a dentist at his private clinic. When lockdown was announced, his doctor referred his name to the nearest hospital so that he wouldn't have to struggle for finances as the clinic was asked to be shut until further notice. 

"Josh came to me as he was worried about my health. He asked me if I would be okay with him working for the COVID patients. Considering the fact that old people are more vulnerable, I realised his fear was for me. I said - It is your job Josh, I know you worry about me but you have to do what you got to do, right? Jesus is seeing your efforts and you soon will be rewarded for it. Don't you worry about me, if something has to happen it might as well happen in this very house? You go do your work."

"Little did I know that Jesus was going to reward my son with a mental disorder and punish him by pulling us apart. It has been 5-weeks, I haven't seen Josh. He had booked himself a room where he stays so that he doesn’t have to come home everyday with the virus. Initially he used to come on the weekends, but now I only get calls from him. 

I thought he was busy with work and so never bothered to check on him, till I got a call from his friend at the same hospital. He told me that Josh had had a nervous breakdown seeing all the deaths and misery around him. He had stopped eating or sleeping and had collapsed in the hospital one day. When he was taken into therapy, he was found hallucinating, anxiety and stress ridden and border case of a mental disorder. Since, then Josh has been asked to go back home and relax and I should come and pick him up.

I was shaken up when I heard this and rushed to pick him up from his room..what I saw broke my heart.

My handsome, good looking boy had a gaunt expression on his face, couldn’t walk without support and had lost a lot of hair due to stress. What I saw was a 50 year old man instead of my strapping 27 year old boy.

How could I have been so blind? Why didn't I see the fear in Josh's eyes when he had asked me whether he should take up the task. He was worried not just about me but also about his own health. Why didn't I see the danger that would come hovering over my son while working day and night during the pandemic? 

I am sorry son, I should've stopped you from joining a COVID team. I should've instead said it's okay I have my savings and you have yours, we'll manage these months somehow. Instead, I gave him a pep-talk for a risky job. Is this how fathers should advise their sons? I don't think any father would want their child to dive deep into a dangerous situation. I pushed my son into it, and he has gone so deep that now my son is struggling to save his sanity. 

I wish it would've been me instead of him. How do I forgive myself? I am so old and my son is just 27, is it even fair that he should be so traumatized fighting for other’s lives? I feel guilty for doing this to my son, I wish I could turn back time and stop him from joining a dangerous job. But all I can say is, I am sorry my son", cried John while talking to the therapist and a friend about his grief and guilt.