“I have never ever seen my dad helping my mom with household chores--AT ALL. Even if my mother was ill, whatever the maid could manage was done but my father never pitched in. Whether it was cooking, cleaning, managing the house, our homework, school meetings, clothes, shoes, waking us up, putting us to bed--I have no memories of my father doing anything for us. It was always mom. Though I admire my dad, and in fact I think I am in awe of him and somewhat scared also (I am not ashamed to admit), I love and admire mom.

And I being the only son in the family, my dad always helped me “NOT” do the household chores, even if mom wanted. So, I did house work if I felt like it, else I knew that it was not my responsibility.

Since this has been the reality of my house, I had accepted it also--women should do the housework. And then I met Seema--my future life partner. Seema was a budding journalist at the time of our marriage and I was instantly attracted to her independent mind and thinking. After marriage she too adjusted with me quite a lot and gave up an active career when our daughter was born. Since then Seema has run and managed our house with the help of the  maids. I did chores--fetching groceries, helping my daughter get ready for school etc.,--when I felt like, otherwise, I always thought ‘Housework is not my responsibility but Seema’s; let her do it.’

We did sometimes have issue about it but I never saw or realised where I was wrong, not until now, when the lockdown happened.

Since there were no domestic helpers coming in, I noticed Seema would start work at 7:00 in the morning and be on a whirlwind till 3:00 in the afternoon--non-stop. Cleaning, cooking, doing utensils, helping my daughter with her studies, dusting, tidying up, putting clothes in the washing machine and then putting them out for drying. And at 5:00 pm the entire cycle would start again and this time Seema also had to fit in her professional commitments.

I pitched in when I felt like it or when she asked--but why did I never realise or offer help on my own? Why did I not see that managing a house is not just Seema’s work alone? Why did I feel okay with seeing her slogging and me sitting on the sofa and asking for tea?

I know why...because that was my social conditioning. That is how I saw my mom and now Seema and perhaps will see each women--as house managers cum workers. I was bought up on a regular diet of gender stereotyping.

What seemed okay then, I despise now. Seema and I had a big argument one day over work itself--she was tired and asked me to do something, but rather bluntly. I got offended and went into a fight mode accusing her of being rude, and ill behaved etc., till she pointed this out to me that

if that is what I think of women today, I should be prepared that someone will think the same for our daughter tomorrow. I should not feel bad if my daughter is treated the same way by her husband and that I will not stand up for my little girl.

Though it hurt, it also made me see what was wrong with me.

I had been brought up to have my food delivered to me, my tea made for me, the bathroom dried for me...everything done for me by a woman--mother, wife, maid...whosoever.

Isn’t it shameful that a fit man like me, weighing 90 kilos, with lots of strength and stamina still makes my wife slog through the day, even during her menses, while I sit on the sofa.

I decided to change then and unlearn what I had learnt incorrectly from a misplaced tradition.

I now help Seema even before her asking and have taken up the responsibility of a few chores. Thanks to the lockdown," recounts Lalit Agarwal, 38 years, Nasik.