“I have been a practicing anesthetist for the past 35 years but have never seen a havoc such as this pandemic has created, not even during the times of national disasters.

I have been living with baseline anxiety since February and had no clue how much sadness I had soaked..I have not been able to sleep and have these bouts of crying each time I leave home and have to wave goodbye to my children. I have not hugged them for the past 4 months in spite of being in the same house...we try and keep distance.

Each day when I drive to work, I worry about what I am carrying with me…

Each day when I drive away from the hospital, I worry about who I will not see tomorrow.

Everyday I feel heavy irrespective of the workload of new patients walking in; getting through daily activities has become an effort.

There are days when just getting up from the bed and getting ready for work seems like a burden and I want to do nothing but lie down.

My nose is scratched and bruised from wearing the mask all the time, in this weather it is practically impossible to wear a PPE for more than 5-6 hours and I am mostly on a 11-12 hours shift--without water breaks, loo breaks.

I have not studied as much as I have done in the past two months, inspite of holding two fellowships.

I have been posted in the ICU of the COVID department...mostly patients here are unconscious on a catheter that needs regular changing which, we, doctors have to do on our own since nurses and support staff are scarce.

There is no hierarchy left--we do everything for the patient and yet the patient dies in front of our eyes

We can, most of the times, and tell which bed will be vacant when. IT HAS ALL BECOME VERY MATHEMATICAL...WE COUNT THE BEDS NOT THE PATIENTS

But all the resolve breaks when the patient is breathing his/her last and there is no one but me or a colleague to hold the patient’s hand…

Then the bed becomes a human once again who calls out to me in agony to save him and I stand by and watch helplessly.

I am being lauded as a hero but I am not a superhuman...and I need help too," says Dr Naresh Gupta, Delhi.

COVID has hit our healthcare workers worse than we can imagine and appreciate and the impact it will leave on their mental health will be long lasting. It is important for us, as their family members and friends, to get them connected to a professional mental health expert who can help them deal with their crisis.