While saving the patients and bringing them back to health from COVID19 infections and its complications, many healthcare workers have had to go through the traumatic role reversal where they moved from being caregivers to patients themselves. More than 30% of healthcare workers have been infected by the virus while treating patients-- which makes it even more difficult for the remaining to continue doing their duty as passionately and dedicatedly.
As Murlidhar Rao, one of the doctors from Karnataka said, “It is devastating--the after-effects of being infected by COVID. I have been faithfully treating patients and with minimum safety gear and in the 2nd month itself of my duty in the COVID ward, I tested COVID positive myself. The journey of assuring the patients that they are going to be alright to being assured by someone else that I will be alright has been not just frustrating but fearful too.
Because I know the truth behind it.
I knew how vague my assurances would be to the patients because it is such a new virus that even us, as doctors, don’t yet know all about it. And even when I couldn’t see any change in many patients’ health I would still boost their morale by saying they’d be fine soon. Fake assurances? Probably yes, and that is why when my attending doctor said the same thing to me, I know how little truth there was in his statements--because he himself knew very little.
After a strict safety routine and quarantining, I got back to my feet and to work within 25 days. And when I resumed treating my patients again, I was a changed person. I had lost all my confidence. I could no longer give out fake assurances anymore. And when I knew a patient’s condition was critical, it would give me panic attacks--I would break out into profuse sweating, would have difficulty breathing and would feel like I will pass out. All this was associated with my increased stress, anxiety, depressive symptoms, and insomnia and the worry of not having things in control, not being able to save a patient’s life and being infected again.”
The reason for such adverse psychological outcomes in healthcare workers is also because they feel inadequately supported when they become a patient. Even though they are at the forefront of crisis management, healthcare workers are not immune to the psychological consequences of COVID19.
“Being on the hospital bed, those 20 days were the most dreadful days of my life,” continued Murlidhar. “I was lying there unable to help myself...leave aside trying to help any patients. I felt so helpless, cheated, angry and forsaken. My seniors know about my mental health struggles and how I break into panic attacks and so no one is assigning me with the patients in the intensive care anymore. I am just going on rounds to check on recovering patients. Is it because I was infected? Or my panic attacks?
It is absolutely irritating the way my colleagues look at me with pity. That I was the one who was lucky to survive and get back on my feet. I am now in a dilemma whether I even want to do this anymore or not. I don’t want to go on that bed again, but I cannot even prove myself better to my colleagues now without risking my life again or I’d be looked upon as weak, right?”
(Pic credit: studiogstock/freepik)