“It is a sad thing to see our parents grow old in front of our eyes and still, conveniently ignore their growing age issues, as we don’t have enough time for them.
Now that we all are at home because of the lockdown, I happened to observe my parents while working from home. I feel guilty when I see my mother, a 56-year-old woman sweating it out in the kitchen trying to manage meals and utensils all by herself while my father, 63-year-old man tries his best to help her. Even though I am home the whole day, I am so tied up with work that it gets difficult to help my parents with the household chores.
My mother’s movements have changed. Earlier she used to walk effortlessly all around the house, now her gait seems strained. Maybe because her knee hurts. She makes my coffee, my father’s tea even before we ask her for it. Time has become her precision. My father carries buckets of water to water the plants – seems like a simple task but he sweats and gets exhausted after the 3rd round something that’s new to me because my father has always been the strong man in our house.
We have our friends to connect with. We chat, share our loneliness but my parents, especially my father has no one left to share or connect with anymore. He watches NEWS the whole day, saying that he’s keeping himself updated but in reality, he is just trying to distract himself from the fact that he has no one to talk to. And just a few days back it hit me so hard when he said ‘Everyone gets a phone call. My phone rings only with Vodafone ads. No one calls me ever.’ And it hurt me because I had so conveniently overlooked this aspect of his life.
I work the whole day and get so exhausted I sleep as soon as I hit the bed. But, my parents, both of them find it difficult to sleep at night. What is it that they might be worrying about? Do they feel lonely? Does my father feel purposeless without a workplace to go to? Does my mother get tired of serving us day in and out with different things? How do I know what they are worrying about? How can I help them?”
While making our life happen, we take our parents for granted. We forget that they are getting old and always think that whatever they do for us is their responsibility, their duty towards us.
They struggle with their health conditions –joint pains, back issues, eyesight problems, diabetes, heart problems, and inflammations--financial issues accompanied by their never-ending concerns for their children.
All they usually want is a little of our time, a little help and a few meaningful conversations. It is important for us to understand their struggles and empathize with them.
This might also be helpful for you as empathizing with others helps you feel less lonely and more connected with people.
How can you do this with the work pressure or depression that you are facing yourself?
Be mindful of assumptions: Many a time we take our parents for granted. Instead of doing things or ordering your parents to do something for you, asking a few simple questions like, “Would you be able to…” or “What would you like to do or have?” will make them feel valued and that you want to listen to them. Even if your parents say that they can manage with the daily chores, try and lend a helping hand whenever you can – even the smallest of the tasks count.
Communicate: Many a times being in a family together all the time leads to misunderstandings and fights. In such situations try to listen to what your parents have to say. Do not blame or accuse them in the moment of anger and heat as whatever you say has a larger impact on them, mentally. Be clear about your thoughts but at the same time listen to their thoughts as well.
Be alert: Your parents won’t necessarily mention about their problems but their concerns might show in their behaviour. Try to notice any changes in the behaviour and ask them if everything is fine. Mostly actions like, sleeping too much or very little, excessive or lowered hunger, movement issues are a few things your parents might not tell you about but internally they may worry about the same since during the pandemic they are concerned about their vulnerability to the sickness.
Share and be vulnerable too: If you are bothered by your work or anything try and open up with your parents. When you share they feel like they hold an important place in your life – which they anyway do, but showing it makes things better. While doing so, you need to understand that empathy doesn’t follow a one-sided model. When you share it motivates your parents to share their worries with you too. When this happens, keep yourself open to the thoughts that you might hear. Listen to them as your friends, without any judgments rather than as your parents. This will help you to be truthful to them. This will make your parents feel better in serious situations.